Eleven Things I Loved about The Dark Tower Movie (SO MANY SPOILERS)

SO- I don’t like high fantasy/science fiction.  I don’t like Stephen King (he’s a total perv).  BUT I just came home from my second time seeing The Dark Tower in the theater, and it was just as freaking amazing as the first time.  Here are eleven reasons why I love it (in no particular order):

1       1. It Drops You Right Into The Action

     It’s been a joke in Hollywood that studios always want to dumb things down for you.  If this were one of those movies, the action would have come to a screeching halt as they explained where the skin people came from.  Or where Walter got his powers.  Or why Roland is immune to Walter’s powers.  But they don’t explain any of that. You get just enough to know that Walter is the bad guy, Roland is the angsty good guy, and they have a history.  And it’s fantastic, because you always want to know more. Yeah, there are a few clunky pieces of expositional dialogue (like Roland's guns being made out of Excalibur) but they were so few and far between and the information was so cool that I really didn’t care.

2   2. The Length

       Guys, The Dark Tower is like 90 minutes long.  The past criticisms of recent adventure movies have always used the word “bloated.”  (See: The Hobbit, Kong: Skull Island, etc.)  Not so with this.  It is a great example of concise story telling (Unlike this post, which is the longest I've ever written).

3   3. The Gunslinger

Cowboys have a special place in my heart.  I swoon at heroes who are noble and kind, even when they are tired and jaded.  Good guys who are supernaturally good at some sort of fighting skill are beyond cool (bonus points if it’s shooting something- arrows, guns, magic laser beams, etc.).  Stick that guy in an awesome leather duster and have him played by the gorgeous and insanely talented Idris Elba, and that is my idea of a perfect hero.

4   4. The Man in Black

Heaven save me from bad guys with magic powers.  And bad guys who effortlessly subdue their enemies.  And bad guys who are waiting for you in your house, drinking tea or reading your magazines or making chicken for dinner.  Make that bad guy wear a fitted three piece suit, have him ooze charm, and show that he is having the time of his life, just like the gorgeous and insanely talented Matthew McConaughey, and that is my idea of a perfect villain.

5    5. Townspeople

In movies where all is lost, you have to have townspeople who haven’t given up hope.  They aren’t the protagonists, and their lives will never be as glamorous as the hero’s or fun as the villain's, and, let's be real, they are probably going to die, but they are an important part of the story.  They serve as an inspiration to the hero, and maybe inspiration to the audience as well.  Most of us won’t be incredibly awesome heroes or devilishly crazy villains (especially), but we can always keep up hope, kindness, and relief to those in need. (/end schmaltz)

6       6. Awesome Shooting

THAT SCENE.  That scene where all Roland does is take a deep breath and a few moments, then perfectly shoots the far-away bad guy without even blinking. Yeah, it's a scene that has been done in several movies and books.  Heck, even I’ve written a scene like that in one of my dumb short stories.  But it NEVER gets old and it’s always awesome.

7    7. Fish Out of Water

Fish out of water is a total trope, but it’s a fabulous one.  From Thor walking into a pet store and demanding a horse, to Wonder Woman seeing a baby for the first time, to Roland’s reaction to eating hot dogs (“Savages.  What breed?”), it’s always hilarious.  And Idris Elba nails it.

8   8. Dreams that Turn Out to be True

Didn’t you ever wish that your daydreams would come true?  Stories where that happens are probably my favorite.  This was no exception.

9    9. Roland and Jake’s Father/Son Relationship

When the jaded character finds he still has an instinct to protect the kid and it morphs into compassion, and when he starts to train the kid and comfort the kid and realize he really can care, it makes my heart want to burst.  P.S. Tom Taylor (the kid who played Jake) did a GREAT job.

1   10. The Gunslinger and Man in Black

Long-time nemeses are THE BEST.  It’s almost funny and definitely cool.  But that’s all I can say about that without writing a whole extra page.

1      11. IDRIS AND MATTHEW

Ohhhhhh Kayyyyy, this is cheating a little bit.  Obviously Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey are amazing.  But their awesome banter on Twitter and their adorable Wired Interview kills me.  So yeah, maybe it's all part of publicity for the movie, but to me it seems like they had a lot of fun making the movie and even hanging out with each other, and thinking that makes the movie even better. Plus, as mentioned before, they are amazing.

So yeah.  I loved The Dark Tower.  I wish more people gave it a chance, but at the same time, it’s kind of fun that no one saw it- almost like this was a movie made just for me.  Now I'm counting down the days until the DVD comes out.

I Watch Cowboy Movies When I’m Homesick.

I watch cowboy movies when I’m homesick.

This is for a couple of reasons.  My dad watches cowboy movies every time they are on TV.  He owns most, if not all, of John Wayne’s cowboy films, but never watches them on the DVDs or videos.  If there’s a western on while he’s flipping channels, he’ll stop.  Cowboy movies in the background on a Saturday afternoon is part of home to me.

Even remakes of classic westerns have good memories.  For example, when the True Grit remake came out, my brother and I went to see it opening day at 10am (it was Christmas Vacation).  We were the only people in there under 60, and that instantly was something we’d brag about for the rest of the break.  Plus, it was pretty fun to see another interpretation of a film we had grown up with.

Finally, I feel like they make me proud of my heritage as an American.  I don’t mean my ancestors were necessarily cowboys (I believe they were mostly the religious pioneers westerns tend to make fun of), but being an American automatically gives you claim to American mythology.  And when you see those stories with grizzled anti-heroes riding into a town to beat the bad guys, it gives me a little thrill of pride.  This is mythology that is uniquely American, yet enjoyed by the entire world.

I am currently flying back from a business trip to a foreign country, and on the way over there I watched the remake of The Magnificent 7.  It helped me with my homesickness. It reminded me of my dad and my brother, and happy Saturdays spent with family.  It gave me something I could claim as my own, even 30,000 feet over in the air and 6,000 miles away.

 I watch cowboy movies when I’m homesick.  And it really helps.