SO- I don’t like high fantasy/science fiction. I don’t like Stephen King (he’s a total
perv). BUT I just came home from my
second time seeing The Dark Tower in the theater, and it was just as freaking
amazing as the first time. Here are
eleven reasons why I love it (in no particular order):
1 1. It Drops You Right Into The Action
It’s been
a joke in Hollywood that studios always want to dumb things down for you. If this were one of those movies, the action
would have come to a screeching halt as they explained where the skin people came
from. Or where Walter got his
powers. Or why Roland is immune to
Walter’s powers. But they don’t explain any of that. You get
just enough to know that Walter is the bad guy, Roland is the angsty good guy,
and they have a history. And it’s
fantastic, because you always want to know more. Yeah, there are a few clunky
pieces of expositional dialogue (like Roland's guns being made out of Excalibur)
but they were so few and far between and the information was so cool that I
really didn’t care.
2 2. The Length
Guys, The
Dark Tower is like 90 minutes long. The
past criticisms of recent adventure movies have always used the word “bloated.” (See: The Hobbit, Kong: Skull Island, etc.) Not so with this. It is a great example of concise story
telling (Unlike this post, which is the longest I've ever written).
3 3. The Gunslinger
Cowboys have a special place in my heart. I swoon at heroes who are
noble and kind, even when they are tired and jaded. Good guys who are supernaturally good at some
sort of fighting skill are beyond cool (bonus points if it’s shooting
something- arrows, guns, magic laser beams, etc.). Stick that guy in an awesome leather duster
and have him played by the gorgeous and insanely talented Idris Elba, and that is my idea of a perfect hero.
4 4. The Man in Black
Heaven save me from bad guys with
magic powers. And bad guys who
effortlessly subdue their enemies. And
bad guys who are waiting for you in your house, drinking tea or reading your
magazines or making chicken for dinner.
Make that bad guy wear a fitted three piece suit, have him ooze charm,
and show that he is having the time of his life, just like the gorgeous and
insanely talented Matthew McConaughey, and that is my idea of a perfect villain.
5 5. Townspeople
In movies where all is lost, you have to have townspeople who haven’t
given up hope. They aren’t the
protagonists, and their lives will never be as glamorous as the hero’s or fun
as the villain's, and, let's be real, they are probably going to die, but they are an important part of the story. They serve as an inspiration to the hero, and
maybe inspiration to the audience as well. Most of us won’t be
incredibly awesome heroes or devilishly crazy villains (especially), but we can
always keep up hope, kindness, and relief to those in need. (/end schmaltz)
6 6. Awesome Shooting
THAT SCENE. That scene where all Roland does is take a
deep breath and a few moments, then perfectly shoots the far-away bad guy without even blinking. Yeah, it's a scene that has been done in several movies and books. Heck, even I’ve written a scene like that in
one of my dumb short stories. But it
NEVER gets old and it’s always awesome.
7 7. Fish Out of Water
Fish out of water is a total
trope, but it’s a fabulous one. From
Thor walking into a pet store and demanding a horse, to Wonder Woman seeing a baby for the first time, to Roland’s reaction to eating hot dogs (“Savages. What breed?”), it’s always hilarious. And Idris Elba nails it.
8 8. Dreams that Turn Out to be True
Didn’t you ever wish that your
daydreams would come true? Stories where
that happens are probably my favorite.
This was no exception.
9 9. Roland and Jake’s Father/Son Relationship
When the jaded character finds he
still has an instinct to protect the kid and it morphs into compassion, and
when he starts to train the kid and comfort the kid and realize he really can care, it makes my heart want to
burst. P.S. Tom Taylor (the kid who played Jake) did a GREAT job.
1 10. The Gunslinger and Man in Black
Long-time nemeses are THE
BEST. It’s almost funny and definitely
cool. But that’s all I can say about
that without writing a whole extra page.
1 11. IDRIS AND MATTHEW
Ohhhhhh Kayyyyy, this is cheating a little bit. Obviously Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey
are amazing. But their awesome banter on Twitter and their adorable Wired Interview kills me. So yeah, maybe it's all part of publicity for the movie, but to me it
seems like they had a lot of fun making the movie and even hanging out with each other, and thinking that
makes the movie even better. Plus, as mentioned before, they are amazing.
So yeah. I loved The
Dark Tower. I wish more people gave it a
chance, but at the same time, it’s kind of fun that no one saw it- almost like this was a movie
made just for me. Now I'm counting down the days
until the DVD comes out.
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